Monster Dog (1984) - Directed by Claudio Fragasso

The IMDb lists this movie as Leviatan. Why that is, I have no idea but judging from the credits this routine werewolf romp came those lovably macabre Italians. The film, starring rocker Alice Cooper (yes, you read that right, Alice Cooper) has a run of the mill plot about a group of friends ending up in a remote location - a sprawling mansion - where they're terrorized by bloodthirsty beasties. Will anyone survive? Will Alice rock the house down? You've gotta watch to find out.

Despite its less than original plot, MONSTER DOG is a fun little flick. Sure, the acting is as wooden as your grandma's old table but what true genre nut expects thespians? The FX range from cheesy to quite good (see the shotgun to the head for a mixture of the two) and while there isn't any bared flesh, there are plenty of bared teeth, fake fog and local yokels. And don't forget the uber-cheesy music video at the beginning by one Mister Cooper. Rawk on! We'll give it three bloody paws up. 3 out of 5 - a howling good time!

The Pit (1981) Directed by Lew Lehman

I had never heard of THE PIT before finding it on the shelves of the local Family Video. It admittedly starts out slow and the young lead actor is quite bad, but once you get into the spirit of this bizzarre horror flick you're in for a good ride. Twelve-year-old Jamie is autistic and because of that, he's also a social pariah. Well, okay, maybe the fact that he's a psychotic little pervert has something to do with it too, but nevertheless. Jamie's only friend is his teddy bear, which speaks to him. Soon Jamie ends up in the forest where he finds a pit (hence the title) filled with trollologs which just happen to eat people. Like any crazy pre-teen Jamie empathizes with the voracious little monsters and he soon begins feeding them. All the while his perky babysitter is trying her best to make him behave.

Above all this movie is weird. It also features some random nudity but the pure insanity is why we're awarding it four whacked out teddy bears. 4 out of 5 - teddy says it's a must see!

Night Screams (1987) Directed by Allen Plone

After Jason, Michael and Freddy sliced and diced their way toward box office gold everyone and their inbred stepson was making slasher movies. Unfortunately, NIGHT SCREAMS in one of the more forgettable ones. Two violent criminals escape from prison the night before the star football player is having a graduation party. Oh, and said football player is out of his "medicine". What this medicine may be is never really explained, but we gather that bad things might happen should be be off it for any considerable amount of time.

The cast is typical of an eighties slasher movie, a handful of "teens" played by actors who look thirty. Most of them do a passable job and that's all we can really ask. The movie does feature lots of inventive kills, copious amounts of t&a (there's porn playing on the TV through most of the film) and Linnea Quiggley in a blink and you'll miss her appearance. That's worthy of two raw hamburgers. 2 of 5 - see if it you can't find something better!

The Nesting (1982) Directed by Armand Weston

From the video cover I assumed (and you know what happens when you assume) that THE NESTING was a monster movie when in fact it's a ghost story. And a pretty well done one at that. A single woman who also happens to be agoraphobic rents an old mansion (bet that wasn't cheap) to help conquer her fear. Pretty soon she starts seeing cackling women lurking about the house and since she's already a few cards short of a full deck, she descends into paranoia and madness rather quickly.

A pretty serious film, THE NESTING has a few great kills and a bit o' nudity. It's just too bad that the lead character is an annoying shrew and hard as we may try, it's difficult to work up much sympathy for her. Still, it has John Carradine (aka the coolest actor of his generation) and it's worth seeing for any fans of haunted house movies. It earns three solid mental illnesses. 3 of 5 - a fun way to waste 90 minutes!

The Outing (1986) Directed by Tom Daley

Yet another eighties splatter flick, THE OUTING succeeds in one area - finding a cool location. Instead of partying it up in mom and dad's house, this time around a group of horny teens finds a way to spend the night in a creepy, old museum. Said museum also happens to be home to a centuries old lamp which may or may not contain an evil Djinn. Will they have sex? Will they get killed? Will the Djinn grant my wish and make this a good movie?

THE OUTING is pretty standard genre schlock but some really cool kills and the setting score some points. Unfortunately the bland, cardboard characters and the bad-looking Djinn knock it back down a couple pegs. Still, we can't hate a movie which involves a great axe to the head and a bit of flesh. Let's give it two ancient artifacts and wish for a better screenplay. 2 of 5 - worth a 50 cent rental!

Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1986) Directed by Jim McCullough Sr.

For all its flaws, MOUNTAINTOP MOTEL MASSACRE features one of the best b-horror movie taglines ever in "Please do not disturb Evelyn. She already is." Evelyn, a domineering woman is a little mad, and when she catches her daughter in the midst of some sort of pagan ritual, she completely loses it and breaks out the sickle. Good times!

Years later Evelyn is running her motel (she and Norman would have made the perfect couple) and during a rainstorm has a surge of guests. Unfortunately for them, Evelyn's customer service skills are lacking and she soon begins her bloodbath. The film has little t&a which is surprising and the kills are rather bloodless. That coupled with the downright slow pacing all combines to make this a disappointing feature. This one's good for two nights' stay. 2 of 5 - probably only appeals to slasher fans!

Children of the Night (1991) Directed by Tony Randel

When I was a kid I loved Vampire films. Today, not so much. One of my early favorites was the weird CHILDRED OF THE NIGHT. Does the film hold up after more than a decade? Does Karen Black wear a bad wig? The answer to both questions is a resounding YES! Now if someone could just tell me where Ami Dolenz disappeared to. That girl was sweet!

Two young girls are ready to leave their dull, little town but first they must swim "the crypt". Why? Because it's tradition and you don't screw with tradition. Alas, during their midnight swim one of the girls drops a cross necklace and resurrects a Vampire who's been entombed in the crypt. All hell quickly breaks lose and the town is overrun with the undead. While marred by some bad acting and a plot that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT is a very campy vampire romp with some very fun gore, a good idea and again Ami Dolenz and Karen Black and that, my friends, is worthy of three hearty swigs of Holy Water. 3 of 5 - If you like your vampires with extra cheese, you'll like this!

Inhabited (2003) Directed by Kelly Sandefur

For some reason, the box cover for this one made me think it was a cross between Ghoulies and Amityville Horror. While there was no Amityville to be found here, the Ghoulies impression wasn't too far off. INHABITED starts off with a normal family buying a normal house in a normal suburb. But when the young daughter begins talking about some not so normal "fairies" (what kind of psycho cartoons was that kid watching?), it's obvious something is amiss in Normal-ville.

INHABITED occasionally felt like a made-for-TV movie but most of the time it created a creepy, tense atmosphere which set it above the typical dtv horror movie. Very good acting(even Malcolm McDowell doesn't ham it up for once)and photography make this a good, enjoyable flick. My only problems are that the kills are bloodless, the creature-design, while excellent, completely ripped off the troll in Cat's Eye and the tacked on "Afterwards" was just plain dumb. We're giving this movie three ugly-assed fairies. 3 of 5 - Keep your expectations low and you'll like it!

Rest In Pieces (1987) Directed by José Ramón Larraz

Who in the hell puts a zombie on the cover for a movie with no zombies at all? Whoever does that should be castrated and forced to eat his own testicals. Whew. Once you get past the "no zombies" part you discover that REST IN PIECES is actually a haunted house movie. After her insane Aunt kills herself, Helen and her hubby move into the old dame's mansion (because apparently ghosts neverhaunt hovels). As if the whacky neighbors weren't weird enough, soon Helen is attacked by a shower curtain (seriously) and things just get worse.

Helen, played by Lorin Jean Vail, gets naked, a lot. Unfortunately she couldn't carry off the lead role in a high school play and isn't nearly as hot as the yummy maid. The kills are mostly dry, but this movie has an extra helping of cheese and the idea behind it is a good, relatively original one. We'll bare two breasts for their efforts. 2 of 5 - Just remember, there are no zombies!

Tourist Trap (1979) Directed by David Schmoeller

Chuck Conners aka The Rifleman stars in this great, oddball horror flick as the curator of a wax museum where the figures look strikingly real. As in every good horror movie, a group of teens stumbles across the museum and they soon are being picked off one by one by a mysterious killer. Don't let the PG rating scare you away, TOURIST TRAP is fairly intense and even though there isn't a lot of blood during the killings, they're still brutal. The off-beat score lends another layer of weirdness to this great, over-looked film.

Performances are solid with Connors being especially good in his role and the always hot Tanya Roberts making an appearance. A very creepy atmosphere is established early on and sustained throughout the film. My only complaint is that there's a skinny dipping scene with no nudity. What a tease you are, David Schmoeller! Despite that egregious error, we can easily give this one four plastic thumbs up. 4 of 5 - Don't be a dummy and miss this one!