The Jitters (1989) Directed by John Fasano

Some movies just defy explanation and THE JITTERS is one of them. I think the entire movie can be summed up in four words: Chinese Vampires that hop. Now that you know that, you're either going to want to see it immediately or forget that it ever existed. I've seen it, and I wish I could forget that it ever existed.

In all fairness, I've seen worse movies - but not many. The problem is that it has an idea so far out in left field that it should be much weirder and entertaining than it actually is. The movie is just plain dull. The jokes fall flat, the vampires aren't threatening nor humorous and the characters are all pretty damned annoying. I know it wanted to be a fun horror comedy, but it needed more of both to be successful at that. There's no flesh, no gore and no kills worth mentioning. As is, the movie is just odd. Not funny. Not scary. Just odd. Props though to the real, honest to god Vampire-fu. Joe Bob Briggs would be proud. 1 of 5 - This movie is worse than week-old egg rolls, avoid it!

Hobgoblins (1987) Directed by Rick Sloane

I can't believe I've seen a Rick Sloane movie two weeks in a row. He is, after all, the man known primarily (or solely) for the awful Vice Academy series which I have promised myself that I will never watch. After the success of Gremlins, Hollyweird did its best to mimic the small monsters in franchises like Ghoulies and Critters. Neither of those will win awards, but they're worlds better than this poverty row rip-off. The story is that of timid Kevin who doesn't have the respect of his friends or girlfriend. He thinks getting a job as a security guard at a movie studio will solve that, but his plan goes awry when he ignores his boss's repeated warnings and opens "the vault". A few little monsters (ie puppets) escape and soon begin murdering people under the guise of granting them wishes.

If there is a target audience for cheesy B movies, then I have a big red and white circle painted on my chest because I am it. Yet even I thought HOBGOBLINS sucked. With some bare flesh and funny dialogue, this could have been mildly entertaining, but it lacked both. I laughed twice during the entire run-time, but that sure as heck isn't worth 2 stars. 1 of 5 - This one's so bad it's... bad.

God Told Me To (1976) Directed by Larry Cohen

Larry Cohen is a cool guy. I've never met him. Never spoken with him. Never even saw a photo of him. But I know he's cool. Why? Because he's the man who created mutant, cannibalistic babies in It's Alive. The man who created the crazy killer cop in Maniac Cop. And the man who in GOD TOLD ME TO, created a world where God is telling people to kill for him. Yes, my friends, Larry Cohen is cool. In this film, we open with a rooftop sniper taking out citizens at random. Just as his reign of terror comes to an end, he tells the detective in charge that God told him to do it. Soon similar random acts of violence begin springing up and the Detective starts to believe them.

I can't talk a lot about the plot of GOD TOLD ME TO without giving away more than any reviewer should. What seems like a crime thriller keeps getting steadily weirder and must be seen to be believed. Is it a good movie? I think so. I'm still not entirely sure what happened at the end. I think I know, but I'm not sure. And I think that was Cohen's point. 4 of 5 - God told me to tell you to rent this movie!

Death Spa (1988) Directed by Michael Fischa

Thank God that someone out there knows how to make a fun B movie. With a title like DEATH SPA and a tagline reading, "You'll sweat blood", I had the highest of hopes. Fortunately, this great 80's gorefest lived up to them. A fitness center owner, still coping with his wife's suicide sees his life get even worse when his high tech exercise equipment starts to malfunction and people start dying. Is the ghost of his jealous wife? His shady partner? His wife's vengeful brother? Watch the movie and find out!

In the first scene of the movie we're treated to a fully nude woman getting an acid bath. THAT, my friends, is the right way to start a B movie. Once it really kicks into high gear we get death by weight machine, death by fire, death by sauna and best of all, death by frozen fish. Every death is super-gory and the FX are tremendously fun. The movie also rewards viewers with lots of skin (from women who thankfully do not look like porn stars), wonderful corny dialogue and an ending for the books. Put this movie out on DVD because I want to buy it! 5 out of 5 - I want to join this spa!

Final Exam (1981) Directed by Jimmy Huston

I'm a huge fan of slasher movies. Of all the subgenres of horror, it is by far my favorite. I've seen the best slashers and the worst. FINAL EXAM falls somewhere in the middle. A strong opening features a great kill sequence, but the next hour or so is entirely devoid of blood. Now usually, I'm a big champion of character development, but that's waaaaaaay too much. Once the blood bath finally begins, we are treated to several fun deaths and good stalk sequences.

My biggest knock against FINAL EXAM is that it doesn't really offer anything memorable. The kills aren't groundbreaking, nor are they overly bloody. There's no real "hero" to cheer for nor a villain to root against. When the killer is finally revealed, it's handled as a virtual afterthought. There's a token amount of skin, but nothing to write home about. FINAL EXAM has some good parts and some bad ones, making it pretty average. 3 of 5 - C+, they should have studied a little harder

Chopping Mall (1986) Directed by Jim Wynorski

I own several Jim Wynorski movies. I am a fan. A big one. The man quite simply knows how to make fun movies and CHOPPING MALL is one of them. A new, high tech mall has done away with security guards and is instead filled with robots. Of course, it all goes awry when a group of friends decides that it would be fun to have an all-night make-out session inside the mall. The 'bots are not happy.

CHOPPING MALL is wonderful fun featuring some fantastic skills, just the right amount of nudity, and genuinely interesting characters, some we want to see live and some we want to see die, badly. While the film is played "straight", it doesn't make the mistake of taking itself seriously, something too many B movies succumb to. It's the quintessential 80's horror movie and to me, that's a good thing. A very good thing. 4 of 5 - Go to the mall and buy this!

Hybrid (1997) Directed by Fred Olen Ray

Fred Olen Ray and Jim Wynorski are the caped crusaders of B movies, bringing fun flicks to horror fans around the world. While I enjoy many of Ray's movies, HYBRID was less than rewarding. After a hilarious opening sequence which really didn't make much sense in the context of the movie, we come across a ragtag group of scientists and soldiers who are stuck in the desert with an ion storm brewing around them. They take refuge in a research facility where all the pervious inhabitants have been butchered. I don't know what an ion storm is, but it must be pretty damn bad!

HYBRID is a cheesefest. A big, stinky lump of Limburger. It can be enjoyable at times, but most of the time the stench is just too much to bear. The FX are shoddy and lacking in blood and there's really no excuse for that in a film of this variety. There is a very long shower scene featuring Brinke Stevens (who has never looked more bored) and JJ North (yummy), but the lingering close-ups of the women's backsides reveals every imperfection and makes the scene decidedly un-erotic. An entirely forgettable effort. 2 of 5 - only for dedicated cheese connoisseurs

Frightmare aka Paranoid (2000) Directed by Ash Smith

Again, I like Slashers. I like 80's slashers the best and don't care much for the "Scream" rip offs which permeated the market after its rousing success. FRIGHTMARE is one of them, and one of the worst. We open with a young woman finding her parents murdered and then being killed herself. Then we see another girl who looks just like her talking to some people that we assume are her parents. Soon more people get killed, the killer is dubbed the "Conscience killer" and there's something to do with a haunted house. Sound confusing? It is.

When the end comes, all the confusing stuff which preceded it (or most of it) does make sense, but that doesn't make up the the last 80 minutes you spent going "what the hell?" The kills are ordinary, the stalk sequences routine and the characters as bland as pumpkin pie. It's just a lame movie with a weak script and average acting. And unfortunately, there's really nothing else to say about it. 2 of 5 - Frightmare definitely won't give you nightmares

Kolobos (1999) Directed by Daniel Liatowitsch & David Todd Ocvirk

Raise your hand if you're a reality TV addict. Okay, I guess that didn't really work since we can't see each other but picture me sitting here with my hand raised. KOLOBOS managed to take on reality TV (or at least some form of it) before the genre had even hit its stride. Four twenty-something's answer a newspaper ad for "freeloaders", promising to give them free room and board in exchange for videotaping their every action. Before you can say Big Brother wicked saw blades shoot out of the walls and guts spill onto the floor. Party time!

KOLOBOS is a trippy little movie which is big on gore and plot and delivers on its purpose of creating a tense, serious horror film. We never know who's pulling the strings (or stringing up the bodies, hehe) and the ending is a perfect cap to the macabre events which preceded it. Sure, a little flesh would've been appreciated and the guy who hated horror movies was an ass (I for one would love to see Slaughthouse Factor 3: Death Comes Thrice), but overall this s a fun ride! 4 of 5 - I want to see them dodge saw blades on Fear Factor!

Flesh Hunters (2000) Directed by George Blumetti & Kay Cole

A long time ago I vowed to stop renting movies released by Dead Alive. This weekend, when I checked the titles I'd rented, I saw that Dead Alive label mocking me on the cassette. I'd been had! I wasn't expecting much when I popped this into the VCR, so you can imagine my surprise when what played out was actually a good movie. The opening shows a gang of ruffians breaking into a cop's house. They beat him nearly to death, then rape and murder his wife. We jump ahead several months to show the same cop transporting a prisoner only to get mixed up with a group of cannibalistic aliens and a really hot naked chick. Just another day on the job for our hero.

FLESH HUNTERS isn't great, but it's surprising good. The gore is decent, the aforementioned hot naked chick is very easy on the eyes, and the plot actually makes sense. Sure, there are issues with the tone (it swings back and forth between goofy camp and serious horror) and there are a couple of campers who I really wanted the aliens to eat, but overall this is a nice serving of human pie. 3 of 5 - Grab the saltshaker and chow down on this one!