Shakma (1990) - Directed by Tom Logan & Hugh Parks

I rent several horror movies a week, especially when there's a sale. Needless to say, I watch a lot of crap. So, it's a wonderful surprise when one of the movies climbs that mountain of crap and plants its flag solely at the summit, proclaiming itself a damn good movie. And friends, SHAKMA is a damn good movie! A group of medical students/scientists is spending the night locked in an office building where they plan to play a Dungeon's and Dragons-esque game. Unfortunately there's a psychotic baboon rampaging through the building and that little sucker can fight!

Baboons have creeped me out since watching THE OMEN as a wee lad and I still think they're ugly, vile little beasties. A baboon has never been used as effectively as in this film. SHAKMA offers up copious amounts of blood and gore and the kills are downright brutal. The acting is solid, the score is amazing and the baboon is downright evil! 5 of 5 - Don't be a monkey's uncle, see this film!

Link (1986) Directed by Richard Franklin

I've always thought the killer monkey genre was a tad... strange, and so I didn't see LINK until recently. Elisabeth Shue plays a young assistant to animal researcher Terrance Stamp. The doctor also happens to have a butler, a very intelligent orangutan - Link. It probably wouldn't surprise you if I said that Link might not be a funny, charming little creature. And it probably wouldn't surprise you if I said this was not a great movie.

LINK had potential. Once the professor leaves for town, Shue is left alone with Link and the other monkeys of the house. She can't leave because wild dogs lurk outside. Unfortunately, the movie takes too long to get into the real drama(well over the half-way point)and as a result the beginning drags. Once things start to go wrong, very wrong, LINK becomes a good movie. Still not great, but definitely good. And any movie featuring a creepy, cigar-smoking monkey leering at a naked Elisabeth Shue (alas, it was a body double) can't be bad. 3 of 5 - Watch this on a triple-header with SHAKMA and MONKEY SHINES!

Restless Souls (2002) Directed by Debra Black

I do not like soft-core pornography. There, I said it. What I dislike even more are horror movies featuring soft-core pornography. Don't get me wrong, I think every good horror movie (or the vast majority) should have some nudity. But said nudity should compliment the movie, not dominate it. In RESTLESS SOULS, it does the latter. A honeymooning couple stumbles across a run-down b&b where they prepare to consummate their marriage. Unfortunately for them, the house is haunted and the ghost is the only one getting any action. Soon wifey-dear is ghost-napped and dear-hubby calls in some ghostbusters to find her. They search the house and have sex. They search some more, and have sex. They have sex and have sex and have sex.

Somewhere along the line RESTLESS SOULS had a good, if cliched idea. The execution (pun intended) is awful, the acting is typical for what you would find in a soft-core porn and the effects are laughably bad. Even the naked women can't make this worth sitting through. 1 of 5 - Not even suitable for perverts!

Primal Rage (1988) Directed by Vittorio Rambaldi

What the hell's with all the monkey's this week? The third movie in our primate trifecta, I knew PRIMAL RAGE was going going to be at worst mindless fun as soon as I saw the credits and realized that this was Italian. I'm not saying all Italian horror films are good, but they're never boring. Written by the great Umberto Lenzi this actually isn't a nature run amok movie. A mad scientist (is there any other kind?) has been experimenting on a baboon which a guerilla (pun intended, hehe) journalist sets free. Fortunately for us horror fans, before getting splattered against the windshield of a police car, the baboon manages to infect someone with some sort of illness which leads to all kinds of mucho pissed off chaos.

PRIMAL RAGE is great fun, with a good story, nice FX by "Deep Red's" Carlos Rambaldi(although I suspect they were edited to get an R rating, this felt like it would have been bloodier) and mostly good acting. The lack of nudity was disappointing (and there was even a shower scene - you bastards!), but this is still a terrific, if mostly forgotten movie. 4 of 5 - Engage in the rage!

The Oracle (1985) Directed by Roberta Findlay

Renting an apartment which used to be the dwelling of an old gypsy woman is probably a bad idea. Playing with the planchette you find hidden in the closet is an even worse one. Yet that's exactly what Jennifer does and needless to say, things go wrong. Very wrong.

I wish I could find more things to say about THE ORACLE but above all, this movie is forgettable. And I just watched it 8 hours ago! The acting is bargain basement and the story just meanders along before puttering out and leaving you with either a "that's all?" or "thank goodness that's all!" feeling (for the record, I fall into the former). The FX are obviously cheap but interesting, for instance the scene where the guy stabs himself to death (yes, stabs HIMSELF to death) makes this worth seeing. 2 of 5 - Rent it because the ouija board told you to!

Mind, Body & Soul (1992) Directed by Rick Sloane

I suppose I should know enough not to rent any movie which reads, "Starring Ginger Lynn Allen". But since I'm on a never-ending quest to see every horror movie ever made I forced myself to pick it up. The movie opens with the aforementioned Allen being escorted to a "party" by her boyfriend who says he has a special group of friends he wants to introduce her two. Upon their arrival at an apartment adorned with pentagrams and skulls, her only question is "Why is everyone wearing black?"

I knew then that MIND, BODY & SOUL had the potential to be one of two kinds of horror movies. The "so bad you regret wasting 90 minutes of your life on it" kind and the "so bad it has to be seen" kind. Fortunately, this film is the latter. Co-starring with Allen is Wings Hauser who I've always thought of as a poor man's Gary Busey. Let that sink in a minute... Okay, back to the review. The film has just the right amount of nudity, bad dialogue, and blood to make it worthy of your time. And I must say, Allen did a very good job. She's cute and it's a shame she's basically known as a porn star because she can act. 3 of 5 - Who doesn't want to see a satanic cult movie starring Ginger Lynn Allen?

Pledge Night (1988) Directed by Paul Ziller

Has there ever been a truly great sorority/hazing horror movie? PLEDGE NIGHT tries to be and I must say it does a fine job. Shot on a shoestring budget at a Rutgers U. frat house, the film is about a group of pledges and their experiences during Hell Week. Do girls get naked? Do people get killed? Do guys pick up cherries with their asses? The answer to all those questions is - YES!

A true independent film, Pledge Night's biggest flaw is that it spends too much time showing us hazing rituals. While most are genuinely funny, the people watching this movie want gore not gags. Once the killing spree gets started, we're given a real treat including death by cherry bomb, death by egg beater and death by radio. The FX are cheap but excellent and there's ample flesh on display. The guys who made this were obviously horror fans making a movie for other horror fans and they succeeded. Oh, and Anthrax does the score - RAWK! 4 of 5 - Slasher fans will pledge their love for this one!

Spookies (1987) Directed by Eugenie Joseph

A tale of two movies. Every review I've read for SPOOKIES calls it one thing - disjointed. There's a reason for that - it's two movies. Moviemaking legend has it that the film was pieced together from two unfinished films, but I suspect the truth is that the footage from one unfinished film was incorporated into a completed one to boost the run-time. There isn't much plot here. A group of friends (who look like they would never be in the same room together let alone be friends) ends up in a deserted mansion where they are killed off one by one.

It's pretty easy to see which scenes were from the unfinished movie, but they fit surprisingly well. The acting is mediocre but the FX are wonderful. A menagerie of beasties is on display and they are, by far, the highlight of the film. There's no naked flesh, which films like this one really need, but the general atmosphere is so much fun that it's still easy to recommend. 3 of 5 - Great FX and kills make this worth watching!

Kill by Inches (1999) Directed by Diane Doniol-Valcroze & Arthur Flam

From the box cover and the tagline "Think twice before your next fitting", I assumed KILL BY INCHES would be a cheesy profession/horror romp akin to THE GROUNDSKEEPER, THE CATCHER and THE CARPENTER. About ten seconds in I realized that I was wrong. Dead wrong. The plot involves a young tailor trying to make his father proud but he can't measure correctly. To make matters worse his sister soon returns and she exploits his weakness and is basically a big old meanie.

I try hard to find something nice to say about every movie, but I'm at a loss when it comes to this one. It's an art film masquerading as a horror movie and believe me, unless the director's name is David Lynch, that does not work. Non-horror fans might find something of interest, but the only scare to be found here is realizing that you spent money to see it. 1 of 5 - you'll be more frightened by your waistline than this movie!

Tales From the Crypt (1989) Directed by Robert Zemeckis

I'm a big fan of horror anthologies(gee, there's a shock), and one of my favorites was TALES FROM THE CRYPT. This DVD has three of the shows directed by Robert Zemeckis and they are "All Through the Night", "Yellow" and "You, Murderer". NIGHT is a wonderful holiday romp with an ax-wielding Santa and a murdering housewife. YELLOW is a WW I saga about a General father and his coward son. MURDERER is a spoof on Bogart movies starring... Bogart.

Of the three tales, the best by a landslide is YELLOW which has great FX, acting and story. The acting is superb and Eric Douglas(RIP)shows that he was a good actor and not just Kirk's son and Michael's brother. NIGHT is great fun and the quintessential TALES story but MURDERER is a letdown and doesn't really fit into the rest of the movie nor TALES as a series. Overall, you get everything you expect - great twists, fun gore and the cackling crypt keeper.4 of 5 - This box o' chocolates is full of blood!